I made a list a few days ago of what I know about God, and what I feel about God. The differences scare me. The presence of such a struggle is terrifing. Ive always heard its okay to doubt, but it only feels like Im slapping God in the face. If it were all to end now... would I be forgiven for fighting him? Im doubting Him, im doubting myself. I dont know who I am or who I should be or even who I want to be anymore. Its just a blur of existance. I love conditionally and hate without reason. I watch TV even though I hate it. I cant tell the difference between what I like and what I dont like. I am lethargic. All of my writings seem to ask God where He has been. I see Him everywhere when I choose to, except my life. I know Im not good enough for him or Him. And I really dont how to fix any of it.
Im going to mess things up if i dont pull myself together. Im so scared of things fading like they have before that Im pushing things I know I shouldnt. Its so fucking ridiculous, my mind set. Im doing what it feels like would keep him here longer, when I know its only going to tear things apart in the end. It always does. I only know destruction.
I dont really pray anymore. It feels worse hoping for something that wont happen than never hoping at all. Im being depressing and annoying. Bleh.
Goodbye.
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2 comments:
If you ever need to talk to someone my number is in your phone, my screen name is on your buddy list, and depending when it is I may be down the road...
yea, what madison said.
except you don't have either of those things.
phone: 238.1778
aim: dinasour421
i love you.
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