15 Things You Might Not Know About Me...

• The longest thing I've enjoyed doing is writing, seven years (but I secretly think I'm not very good at it)
• I never admitted my first love because he didn't love me and I knew he never would. It has been years and I still haven't really forgiven him for hurting me like he did.
• I think every uncle is a pedophile. And I have a hard time envisioning pedophiles as any other ethnicity except Caucasian. 
• I am jealous of Indians. 
• I am overly thankful for all my friends because when I was a child I was so overweight that I thought that I would have no friends in highschool and that no boys would like me and I would live alone the rest of my life. 
• I'm not scared of blood because of the night she bled on me. I'm scared of blood because of the time I didn't think it would stop coming from my own SI at 14.
• I saw my first unrelated penis at age 9 when my friend pulled up a porn webpage on our computer and told me it was funny. (She turned out to be a lesbian)
• My first 'C' in a class was in Bible. (I went to a Private Christian School in early elementary school)
• I feel like I am living a lie because my parents think I am a Christian but I'm agnostic. I can't tell them because they would be very upset by it. And I don't want to hurt them because I love them more than I can even explain. 
• I haven't spoken to my brother in 6 months, except in one letter to explain that I haven't forgiven him and that I was glad he found Jesus. 
• I am suspicious of every conservative.
• I wish Walt Whitman was not gay because his poetry turns me on. 
• I think city lights are just as beautiful as stars. (but not more)
• I'm in love right now. After almost 2 years I am still madly in love with him. (It is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life)
• I have many secrets I still can't tell. 

Sometimes I think that humanity is just a silly little constructed complex not unlike "society," or "civility," or "superiority." I often think that thought itself is just a reflex to the fiction of our individual reality - yet saying so presents the obvious contradiction. Yet in a strange way, I'm not sure you can explain the nonsensical with sense. And our existence is nonsensical, along with our thoughts, our concepts of reality, and certainly all intangibles. What really makes sense, in the realm of humanities 'humanness,' does not actually make any real sense. Our presence here on earth - whether it be by science or God - our constructs of social conduct, and our perceived emotions are enigmas fought over by various opinions in the world of scientist, philosophers, and anthropologist. 

Reality is only real because we make it that way. Reality begins in ones head, and plays out in an indifferent and unplanned world when we act as though it is so. It is our own lack of imagination that traps us into a "reality" we don't wish to be apart of. Though I can not say for sure, that would be speaking in absolutes (which I've heard one is never to do - which is yet another paradox). We make so very little sense. Slapping a ubiquitous perfect genie like paternal filler in the sky may be a readily available answer to our contradictions as a species but I find this explanation unsatisfying, and in general even more head spinning. Yet science, in all its intellectual trend and elicit sleek, does not proficiently explain the evolutionary benefit of altruism, morality, or emotion. 

Humanity and reality are simply concepts - and right now I understand neither.